Number 10

How does it feel like to be in the lowest point of your life and no one is there to support you? How does it feel like to feel like you have nothing to live for--no job, no man, no future of having your own family--and one of your closest best friends chooses this time to decide to get into a fight with you and totally ignores you?

How does it feel like when you need your best friend the most, she doesn't want to be there for you by choice?

How does it feel like?

It feels just like that.

Like I have nothing to live for.

Number 9

(Written on October 29, 2015)

Not such an original title, I know. Anyway, happy birthday to me. Actually, it should be happy belated birthday. I am officially 20++ years old. I’m not going to reveal my true age. I’m in my late twenties. That’s the only hint I’m giving.

My last post was almost 2 years ago. What has happened between those two years? A lot. I became a medical officer. I moved back to my hometown. I am still with my beloved boyfriend, who was previously my medical officer when I was a houseman.

And the biggest change? I have resigned from the government. I am still a doctor. I still have a medical degree and an annual practicing certificate. I still can practice medicine in private centres and private clinics and all. But deep down, is that what I really want to do? I mean, do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing something I was never passionate about in the first place?

Ever since I started working–no, let me rephrase that–ever since I started medical school, all I have been doing is questioning my choice of career. When I was younger, I had so much passion and fire. I always told myself to follow my dreams. Do what I want to do, because it’s what I want, not do what people expected me to do. I convinced myself everyday that I had it in me and to prove everyone wrong. I have the diaries to prove it. Boy, I just LOVED writing that time.

But as the years went by, the one thing that I kept telling myself NOT to do when I was younger was the ONLY thing I did. And that was to do what other people expected me to do–not what I wanted to do. And I ended up here. In my late twenties and still questioning myself, is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life?

After resigning, I was so transfixed to doing one thing–continuing my medical career. Get a job at a private clinic or private hospital, which, to be completely honest, is quite difficult. I am still considered inexperienced. I only have three and half years of working experience under my belt. For a career in managing people’s life and death, it’s actually not a lot of experience.

But maybe the reason I resigned was not to get out of government. Maybe it’s so I could find something that I wanted to do. Finally. When I was tied up with the government, I never had time for anything. All I did was work, oncall, weekends were never free. I jumped from one department to another, but still working in a hospital setting. I was unhappy. The only thing that got me through all of it was my wonderful friends. And my boyfriend. But truth to be told, I was so unhappy. I never felt content. It’s a noble job, I know. Being a doctor is a really noble job. I got many gratitude from patients.

But I still was so unhappy.

Then tonight, my boyfriend said something to me. Something so simple. Something that I should have done so long ago. It was such a no-brainer, yet it never, not once, ever crossed my mind.

Do something that you like.

After I resigned, I was so scared. I felt like it was something I should regret doing. I was so scared I would never find another job in the medical field.

But tonight, my perspective has changed. I’m much older than I was almost 9 years ago when I first started medical school. I was naive at that time, listening to other people but never listening to myself. Maybe now is the chance for me to change that. It’s still not too late. Maybe I was never meant to be in the medical field. Maybe I’m meant to do something else.

Maybe.

They are all just a bunch of maybe’s.

But if I don’t take that leap, that jump, that risk, then I’ll never know, right?

This could be the beginning of a totally new turn in my life. Wish me the best of luck.

Number 8

I just found back this blog. I have been looking for this blog for the longest time but I could not remember the address and name of this blog. And suddenly, tonight, I found it. 

I have come a really long way since my last entry. I graduated and started working. I made a new blog when I could not find this one. So I will just copy paste the entry I wrote in the new blog. Here it is: (written in February 22, 2014)

Ok, so this isn’t my first blog and I’ve written plenty of blogs before. Some anonymous, some not. But I’ve never really kept track on any of the blogs. Some I have already deleted, some are still out there on the www. But this particular blog, I feel like I need to write down. Anonymously. I’m not looking for tons of readers or fame or publicity or free stuff or sponsorships or whatever. I’m just looking for genuine opinion from genuine people who don’t know me firsthand. Kind of like a neutral, third person kind of an opinion.

 So maybe my problem isn’t exactly a big world problem or whatever, but it’s quite a big problem in my life now. Maybe I should start at the way beginning for a better understanding.

 First of all, I won’t reveal my true name in here. It would be totally against the whole being anonymous thing, right? But I could tell you I’m a Malaysian, working as a doctor in a government hospital in state X. I’m originally from state Y where I grew up in and where my family (parents and sibling) lives. I’ve been working in state X for almost a year now. I’m actually just a houseman (HO), a junior doctor. Once I’m finished with 2 years of being a houseman, I will officially become a medical officer (MO), which is some sort of promotion you could say, I guess. In other terms, a medical officer is the boss of houseman, whereas the specialist is the boss of medical officer and lastly, the consultant is the boss of everyone.

 So anyway, after graduation from university and getting my full degree as a doctor, got an offer to work in Hospital A in state X for my 2 years of housemanship. Initially, it was very depressing. I was not used to the endless working hours and tons of workloads and the huge, huge, huge responsibility of having a person’s life in your hands, of having that much trust and dependence for you to hold.

 That was really tough.

 I would go back to my rented apartment crying my eyes out every night. Sleeping late and waking up super early every day and to start my daily routine all overN again every single day. It was bad enough I was away from my family and friends and didn’t really have anybody in state X. And my MO and specialists were damn scary in the posting I was in. I was terrified, anxious, and depressed. It was a tough life.

 I wanted to quit. Really, really badly. I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t want my parents to worry about me. I had a boyfriend, but he was a total douchbag. He was no help at all. He didn’t understand. All he kept saying was, “That’s so normal babe. Everyone hates their job. I hate my job. You just gotta buck up and go through life.” He even told me if I quit, I would have nothing. Coz  I’m not pretty enough, I’m not hot enough, my social skills suck, and the only good thing going on in my life is that I’m a doctor. I guess that’s the only reason he ever stuck with me. I know. Some a** hole, right?????

 But still, I stuck with that a** hole. Coz I was so scared if I broke up with him, I would become super depressed. Because I was already depressed with my job to begin with so I didn’t want to add to that depression. But in reality, that a** hole was just worsening my depression. I just didn’t realised it then.

So after that, I went into my second posting. And met the most amazing guy ever. Well, okay, the first time I saw him, I didn’t think he was the most amazing guy ever. In fact, I thought he was kind of plain. And boring. And a nerd. Plus, he was my boss. A medical officer. I was sooooooo not attracted. Besides, I already had a boyfriend and all I wanted to do was quit and go back to state Y, my hometown. Looking for a new relationship with a new guy was the very last thing on my mind. Or it wasn’t on my mind at all. Besides, I thought the MO was married with kids anyway.

But, who could have expected—not even myself—that I would one day fall in love with that man. I think I should stop here first and continue that story in the next entry. Too sleepy now. Goodnight wonderful peeps out there